Supporting Teens through Digital Dating Violence

Being a parent or caregiver of someone in an abusive dating relationship is challenging. Knowing or even suspecting that a teen is being harmed can be both frightening and frustrating.

As a parent or caregiver, you are a crucial part of helping your teens develop healthy relationships and providing the support necessary to build confidence and maturity to identify healthy relationships. You are already attuned to identifying safety concerns and accustomed to intervening and protecting your children when harmful circumstances arise. You can use those same skills when it comes to digital dating violence.

Maintaining mutual trust depends on demonstrating to teenage children that you are trustworthy – that means respecting their decision-making even when you disagree with them. You can’t force them to trust you and you can’t live their lives. That includes decisions about their relationships.

Here are some helpful tips to support your teen.

• Challenge and discuss negative images in the media that promote violence in relationships. Point out that violence is never justified.
• Highlight healthy relationships in which partners respect, support, and trust one another. Point out the healthy behaviours in these relationships (e.g. couples making shared decisions, communicating, or supporting each other’s independent interests).
• Teach teens to protect themselves. Make them aware of issues involving dating violence and brainstorm with them ways of handling different situations to ensure their safety.
• Teach teens to respect each other. Help teenagers feel good about who they see, what they do, or what they wear. Tell them no one has the right to control or hit anyone else. Practice what to say if they feel someone is being disrespectful to them and remind them that violence is never justified.

• Isolation. Are they disconnected from friends or family? Have they abandoned interests that were once important to them?
• Emotional and Physical Changes. Have you seen sudden changes in mood or personality? Do they seem afraid of their partner? Constantly nervous or anxious, depressed, acting out, or secretive? Do they have unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries?
• Constant Monitoring. Does your teen seem upset or anxious when they miss their partner’s phone calls? Does it seem like their partner is always checking up on them?
• Their Partner’s Behaviour. Does their partner control your teen’s behaviour, make their decisions, act extremely jealous or possessive, and demand to know where your teen is and who they are with?
• Making Excuses for Partner’s Behaviour. Does your teen apologize for their partner’s behavior towards you or others? Have they casually mentioned the partner’s temper or violent behaviour and then laughed it off as a joke?

Your instinct is probably to try to get your teen out of their relationship as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, ending an abusive relationship is never as easy as simply leaving and efforts to make your teen’s decision on their behalf could isolate them further.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when supporting your teen:

Be calm, supportive, and non-accusatory in conversations about your teen’s relationships. Reassure them that their partner’s behaviour is not their fault and that no one deserves to experience abuse. If they open up, it’s essential to be a good listener so that they feel comfortable returning to you for help.

If they don’t open up, don’t be disappointed, blame them, or overreact. Let them talk to you on their own terms and meet them with understanding when they do.

Believe your teen, even if what they tell you is hard to hear. Your teen will likely be reluctant to share their experiences out of fear of how you’ll react. Showing skepticism could make them less likely to share things about their life, and ultimately drive them closer to the person abusing them. Offer your unconditional support and make sure they know you believe them.

Let your teen know that you’re concerned for their safety by centring their experience in your conversation. Remind them that they deserve to be treated with respect and that abuse is not their fault.

Don’t put down your teen. Don’t give the message that you think they are stupid or senseless for being in the relationship. Try: “This isn’t your fault. You’re not to blame; no matter how guilty the person makes you feel. Your partner shouldn’t be doing this to you.”

Focus on your teen’s positive behaviour, like coming to talk to you.

Remember that your teen may still have feelings for the person who is harming them. Speaking negatively about their partner could discourage your teen from seeking your help in the future. Discuss the abusive behaviours you observe, not your feelings about the person involved.

Don’t threaten violence against the abuser. Threats reinforce the idea that problems are solved with violence, because if it’s okay for you, then it’s okay for the abuser.

Don’t blame or punish your teen. Avoid questions like “What did you do to make him/her/them hit you?” or “Why did you let this happen?” Instead, let your teen know tha he/she/they do not deserve to be hurt. Try: “It’s that person who has a problem, not you. It’s not your responsibility to help him/her/them change.”

Your teen has the right to make their own decisions. Resist the urge to give them ultimatums or punish them for making decisions about their abusive relationship that you dislike. If you force the decision, they may feel further isolated and return to their abusive partner. Trust that your teen knows their own situation better than you do and that they’ll make the decision to leave when they are ready.

Educate yourself on dating violence to help your teen identify warning signs of unhealthy behaviours in their relationship and discuss what healthy relationships can look like. Identify relationships in your family that exemplify these qualities and help them understand the ways you can support them.

Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. If your teen breaks up with their abusive partner, work with them to create a safety plan that fits their situation. You can also ask a domestic violence agency for support in safety planning, about how to get a peace bond, and other ways to protect your teen. Connect with your local domestic violence agency at www.sheltersafe.ca.

• The final decision about what to do has to come from your teens themselves. Ask what next steps they’d like to take and help them find support to do so, including additional support if they are too uncomfortable discussing the situation with you.
  • Reassure your teen of your love and concern. Reinforce your wish to help do what’s best for him/her/them. Try: “I care about what happens to you. I love you and I want to help.”
  • Respect your teen’s choices. Forbidding your teen from seeing their abusive partner may cause him/her/them to go behind your back. Your teen may be less likely to come to you for help. If you offer patient support, your teen will be more likely to come to the decision to end the relationship and learn how to have healthier relationships in the future.
  • Allow your teen as much control as possible. Empower him/her/them to make healthy decisions. Even though safety is your first concern, it is important to allow your teen to make decisions whenever it is safe because the abuser has taken away your teen’s power and control. If you do the same, it might make matters worse.
  • Get your teen counselling. Contact a counsellor or agency that specializes in domestic violence and teen relationship abuse. Counselling can help your teen work through the emotional damage caused by the abuse and learn to avoid abusive relationships in future.

If you are struggling to communicate with your teen, try:

• “Sometimes people behave in ways that are scary and make you feel threatened – even without using physical violence. Pay attention to your gut feelings. If you feel afraid, it’s important to talk about it.”
• “It’s important to talk about this. If you don’t want to talk with me, we can find someone you trust and you can talk with that person. You can also talk to someone at a confidential hotline that can help you sort things out.”
• If you suspect your teen is abusing others, get him/her/them to think about the behaviour and why he/she/they feel the need to act out that way. Expose any myths about the way that guys and girls are supposed to act and talk about the serious consequences of abusive behaviour for both partners

Digital Dating Violence is part of a continuum of violence that can be both online and in-person. If you or someone you know is experiencing digital dating violence, you are not alone. Encourage them to chat with a trusted adult, connect with the Kids Help Phone to create a safety plan, or you can use sheltersafe.ca to find a shelter/transition house near you to discuss options and create a safety plan. You don’t need to stay in a shelter to access free, confidential services and support.

Adapted with permission from BCSTH’s Technology Safety project, based on their resource Supporting Your Teen through Digital Dating Violence.